On this most auspicious day...

Me? I believe in the inherent oneness of all things. I believe that each and every one of us were created by God (a force/being without anything even remotely resembling traits or features in any way familiar to humans and which is beyond anything we can even possibly comprehend) so that God could live the infinite variances of life on this plane and on countless others vicariously through us. I believe that each person has within them a portion of that God within them, which some call the soul, Atman, Higher Self, Holy Guardian Angel, which makes us part of and at once entirely that God ourselves.

I believe that all spiritual paths and religions are equally valid paths to higher consciousness if they speak to the individual.

And why are we here? I believe this universe is a playground and a classroom in which our sole job is to poke around, explore, eat, drink, smoke, and shag whatever the mood so strikes us to (just so long as we don't get in the way of the rest of us who, remember, are also God) so that we learn what we can and have a good time while doing it.

And when we die? Well, we can come back for another game if we want, as many times as we want. We can keep at it for countless lifetimes, experiencing the vast richness of life and its many permutations Or not, if it's not your cup of tea. That's cool too.

But that's weird, right? Sounds like the ravings of a crazy, happy clappy New Ager or something, right? Normal people don't believe those kinds of things, do they?

We all know that we were all created by a single God, in the likeness of Him, in order to live as masters over life on Earth and all its resources. To uphold our half of this bargain, we follow His very specific rules of how we are to live our lives. These rules were laid out for us by a group of Bronze Age desert nomads but are, thankfully, still applicable to modern life all over the world.

Furthermore, this all-powerful being manifested into physical form his son (a 1st century Galilean carpenter's son) for the express purpose of having us condemn and execute him for radical reformist views. Later, he would rise from the dead, inspire his followers to spread his teachings to all of humanity, and then be taken up, in physical form, into heaven. This, he claimed, ushered in a new philosophy that supplanted the old one, but given that we liked the old laws just fine thank you very much, these are kept right alongside his updated teachings.

Before leaving, he promised to return one day so that he and God could gather up all the people who have ever lived. These people would then be judged by how closely they adhered to the rules both he and God had set out. Those who were deemed loyal adherents will be ushered into an eternity of happiness and pleasure. Billions of others will be condemned to an eternity of torment and agony in a purpose built realm of suffering made by God for those specimens of his creation who did not follow the rules as laid out by the Bronze Age nomads or the 1st century Galilean.

Oh, also we human beings are inherently sinful and impure inside, with our obsession with dirty things like sex and other things that feel good and are fun. But there's hope. Wholehearted belief in said God and his son will magically cleanse us of these sins, ensuring eternal paradise for us at the end of our single, 70-100 year lifespan.

Makes much more sense, doesn't it?